c/o forever

There are plenty of books telling you how to come out as a homosexual, when to come out and whom to come out to. And you can ask loads of people, go to groups and stuff like that. But no one ever tells you what happens afterwards. It’s that daunting image of: once you’ve come out of the closet, everything will be alright. Well, it’s not that way, at least for me it didn’t happen.

I’ve come out as I-don’t-know-what-exactly. Gay, Bisexual, You-pick-a-Name. And suddenly my life was far more complicated. I’ve gone through phases when I was 100% sure I was lesbian. And I’ve gone through phases where I thought I was bisexual. Besides no one ever telling you how to be bisexual, no one ever helps you on being ‘simply’ gay, or to make it much more general: living as a queer person and all that other crap. Fucking women, you might think now, but it’s just not that easy... unfortunately!

I called being gay ‘simple’, which might sound a bit harsh. But what I am saying is, that once you come to that point where you consider being gay, you think and brood over it for quite some time and sooner or later you decide to come out or to stay in the closet or you simply find out you’re straight after all. If you come out, the mission is accomplished. From now on you will have to defend your sexuality in front of others, which is not exactly an easy job and already bad enough in the first place, but at least you don’t have to defend it in front of yourself – day by day. Instead being bisexual is like a constant, ever-lasting, never-ending coming out phase.

Speaking for myself only: the thoughts are haunting me. Every day. I go to sleep with them, and they greet me first thing in the morning. Basically. I am probably making my life harder than it is, because no one’s asking me to decide. Only I have the desperate need to decide. I just want to put myself in that drawer, one or the other, lock it tightly and say: that’s it. I’m done. I’m over it. I’m 99,9% sure. Make a decision and stick to it. Instead I’m deciding anew every fucking day. I usually can’t even stick to my decision for more than 24 hours. In two days of brooding I might ‘turn out’ to be definitely lesbian. And happy to have finally ‘found out’ I see some random guy on TV beautifully courting a gal and catch myself thinking: he’s cute. Though not in a ‘that’s a cute dog/kid/cat/whatever’-way but more in a ‘he’s hot’ kinda sexual way. Which kind of takes the lesbian identity thing ad absurdum. It’s pretty much like playing a game, where you land on the ‘back to start’ field all the time after only a couple of moves.

And I’m sick of it. Because I don’t even know if I’m into guys anymore. I was indeed pretty straight once, but as far as I can remember I’ve never enjoyed sex with men like I enjoy it with women. But then again, it’s been an eternity since I last slept with a man, and it’s been quite some time since I’ve slept with a woman. So how should I know what I’m talking about.

Does some part of me desperately want to be gay, because it’s ‘cooler’ to be gay these days? But would anyone willingly make their lives harder than they already are? And does some other part of me still have those ideas you get implanted by society, that some day I will find a nice man to court me old style?
No, I much more want to find a woman, that I can court - with roses, being charming, romance – the whole package. I definitely find women attractive. I enjoy sleeping with them, holding them, touching them. But how can I ever become happy with one of this species (if I ever happen to find the so called ‘right one’, the one who actually endures and loves me with all my flaws and wonders) if once in a while I long for a man – if I do. So for me the question is not am I straight or gay, but rather am I gay or bisexual. I’ve realised that I love women. The question is, do I still love men as well?

I don’t have to decide. And I’m certainly not going to in near future. But I still can’t get rid of the questions in my mind. And I’m not going to in near future.