So you're having a breakdown...

I'm fucked up.. pretty much. I had a crappy time at pride-ball. and I had an even crappier day today.

my inner clock is totally off balance. I can't sleep when I should and I can't get up when I have to. I have had two weeks of hardcore exams and I'm knackered. there's no energy whatsoever left in me. drained. All of a sudden there's nothing to do, nothing to study for, nothing to work for yet and on top of that I am lonely. I haven't had time for my friends in those two weeks and I feel like they have vanished. I know that I have friends, I just wouldn't know who to call right now. or what to say in my emptiness. they were all happy couples at the ball and I felt so horribly disconnected. as if I couldn't reach anyone. as if no one could or would reach out to me.
and then I saw that girl and suddenly knew what I had been looking for all along. and she's straight. so maybe I'm just desperate. or reaching out for something that's not there. but it sure ain't fun being in that position.

I have been told that I can be all happy me and that no one usually sees when I'm feeling down, because I always am the clown who cheers everyone up. but today I just couldn't. I'm having a breakdown. breaking... I stayed over at my parent's place, dog-sitting, and a friend who was equally down because of much better reasons than mine visited me. and although we had a nice chat, I totally broke down when she had left. just.. crying. despair. loneliness. frustration. and when I got home, I had that email in my box, from a friend who basically told me that I had been totally macho all night at the ball. yes, I am searching, kind of. and I know it's not good and not working and all. but I'm fucking lonely with all those couples everywhere not giving a damn if I was there or not. I had no other chance than building this wall of cockiness around me, but trust me, it's sad and I am certainly not enjoying it.