May 30, 2007

I have a strange taste in weather

For in this kind of grey, cloudy weather, on those rain drizzled days that I love my city the most. you know, when it's so cool that you need a jacket but nothing to protect your head. when you readily let the wind tousle your hair but you do put up your collar and bury your hands deep in your pockets. that's the kind of day it is today. And when I exited my dentist's office I felt a compulsion to walk in this weather, and I usually don't like going for walks. but this time I took a detour on my way home. I just HAD to walk through somewhere greener, away from the cars' exhaust fumes, to walk on and on and on, my ears plugged with music from my ipod which instinctively seemed to know what it had to play. I could have walked forever and ever like that day 4 years ago in the midlands near buxton. and then curled up at home in my favourite hoodie, with a nice cup of tea and the last book of his dark materials. I made myself that cup of tea, but unfortunately I can't get too comfy bc I have a kind of a job interview later for which I still have to iron my clother because I have to dress up - which I hate when I have a comfy clothes day.

"Turn around / break the bond / say goodbye to what is gone"

I think all my confusion started last night when I got a phone call bringing back a voice that I would have never ever expected to hear again. how can she just call me, just like that? after two and a half fucking years of silence? wtf? I made use of that subtle knife ages ago, I cut her away from me. when she thought she had the right to tell me who I was and who I had to be, how I would find my way out of the dark, right then I severed the last bond - for my own sake. not a painless operation but I managed to do it and keep it up, in fact once it was done it all went quite effortlessly. the occasional thought, yes. but no remorse. yet I was strangely happy to hear from her. ok maybe happy is not the word... it disturbed me but it didn't bother me. in any way it was weird talking to her again, both not really knowing what to say. I think she was just as shocked that she had called me as I was...

and now I'm at home feeling less confused, but endulging fully in the melancholy of this rainy day, wishing myself to england or scotland or ireland.

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