It's hard not to gush

So... I did get to write an article about Randy Pausch. The media department was looking for a story  - like, fast - and someone remembered my pitch. Of course they only realised they needed a story really late in the workday, so my article isn't exactly perfect. I basically wrote it and then skimmed it once or twice to catch the biggest mistakes. I would have had more time if I wouldn't have had to watch the Last Lecture again (it's more than 1 hour long).

- I just got a call saying that the article was OK considering the short time. Ah well, I guess I have to hold myself to a higher standard. Someone should :)

Again, Pausch's speech was inspiring. I had a really hard time staying in my journalist role and not gushing in the article. I can only try to remember his words every day. Especially that stuff about not complaining but working harder. I'm a big complainer and I know it. And: I don't always "find the best in everybody" like he suggests. But I'm willing to try and work on this. I'm determined not to let the brick walls hinder me. And I'm not ashamed to be so influenced by the thoughts of someone whom I didn't even know. I know I'm not alone with it. Even though his speech was intended for his kids in the first place Randy Pausch spoke to a helluva lot of people.

stop complaining

Thanks to fellow blogger daysgoby for reminding me again about Randy Pausch's final lecture. I'm pretty sure I saw a piece of it a couple of months ago, but it doesn't exactly go out of date. Pausch is a professor at Carnegie Mellon, where he has first given his "final lecture". And yes, final means final, because he is dying of pancreatic cancer. Pausch's story was probably all over the internet back when it first occurred, but I think he has some very valid points, so here goes another segment including an interview with him on Good Morning America:



This is amazing. And I will try to complain less and push harder.

how I met the first cat I liked

thanks to shazza for reminding me that I didn't say how the interview went. It went well, I think. At least I'm pretty sure I didn't forget to ask any of my questions and the answers were indeed revealing. I just scheduled another two interviews and hope to get another one for the following week. after that finn will transcribe them for me (isn't she the best?) and then I can finish that part of the thesis. then all that is left is the systems theory part and the agenda-setting part. and off course rereading it one hundred times and changing half of it in the process ;)

while I was waiting for the interview to actually take place, I arrived 15 minutes early, I sat down in the "garden" of that residential area and made an interesting acquaintance.
I saw the most adorable tom cat I've ever met. and I don't usually like cats. in fact, I don't at all know what to do with them. but this one just came up to me, circled me a couple of times to make me pet him and then jumped onto my lap and basically tried to crawl up my coat to cuddle with me.

he was soooo cute, and with a beautiful coat. then someone who apparently lived in that area walked past and told me that the cat doesn't get much attention, he's let out in the morning and goes back home in the evening. but he had a tag and all and with such beautiful fur I almost couldn't believe he wasn't being looked after properly. needless to say I still toyed with the thought of stealing him for a minute ;) but I had to think of the bunnies of course!
I had a hard time leaving with him sitting there like that though...


more pics on flickr.

encounter with ex-communism

I'm sitting in my grandparents' living room. Both of them are currently reading a newspaper/political magazine. They're really committed that way, my grandmother was pretty involved with the party when she was younger and still reads and watches political news like a maniac :)

They're being lovely as per usual, but just as always they can be a bit tiring at times. My granddad has really bad hearing but refuses to wear a hearing aid. Oh, he does own one - state of the art - but he's never worn it. Ever. He also has had a couple of tiny strokes in the past so his memory has suffered from that. But I don't mind answering his questions twice, that's not the problem. The problem is, that my grandma mumbles and that she does so quietly that even I have problems understanding her. So my grandpa doesn't hear her. But of course he doesn't ask, it's not like he has a hearing problem, right? So she calls him stupid because the things he didn't properly hear he forgets even faster. Surprise! Also my grandmother claims not to have any hearing problems at all. No, no. Incidentally she just got up, went to the other room and turned on the TV at a volume that almost made me jump out of my seat. So basically I've spent the last couple of hours yelling to them and repeating myself. If I could only make him wear the stupid hearing aid... But I guess when you're almost 90 you're allowed to be stubborn.

Still I'd like to stay longer, but I have to go back tomorrow night, cuz I have uni on Saturday. In fact I wanted to come yesterday and stay for two nights, but the Hungarian train conductors' strike kept me from it. Every time I drive through this country, be it by train or by car it strikes me how desolate it still is. I think I saw a couple of newly built roads when the train was closing in on Budapest, but then I see houses in a state that is third world like. And when I get off the train I can't even count as fast as I'm stumbling over beggars and homeless people. Especially with what is going on politically at the moment, this doesn't always resemble the EU-member country it should be.

Nonetheless my grandmother insists that we go shopping tomorrow. She always does that. And of course I don't mind the opportunity to buy some clothes without turning the ATM card over a couple of times in my hand. But I fear that she feels she has to do this. I don't care! That's not why I come to visit them. I'm fine with just buying a rod of salami to take home with me and one to bring to my dad.

However I am planning to come more often now. It just sucks that I can't really bring finn, because it's already such a hassle for them if I come alone. Now that I can at least access the internet here I won't feel so completely cut off from civilisation. That's a good feeling.

food principles

finn's mum has a birthday next week so we went to the obligatory "the grandparents want to have some kind of get together, never mind if the birthday person wants to"-event at finn's parent's house yesterday. We arrived for lunch, and then at about two p.m. the grandparents arrived for coffee and cake. The blissfully unsuspecting person that I am I dug into two slices of cake and half a slice of strudel. I hadn't even barely begun to process all that food when at half past four these people put a dinner of cold cuts on the table.

WTF?

of course no one else but me was astounded by this practice. And of course I ate as well, after all there were really yummy foods. But we decided not to have any more dinner when we came home to our place, bursting at the seams we were...

More than two years, and I still don't get her family ;)

I shall live

It actually wasn't that bad, just a little uncomfortable at times.
and the doctor was a really nice woman, great doctor with a pretty interesting life story.
she told me to start drumming and meditation. and that I shouldn't take everything to heart, ponder less. so I decided to do more shinergy, try the drumming, maybe finally try yoga in case I like it after all, and generally take things a little less seriously. fret less.

I should be fine.

sworn enemies

there are two things that I don't get: dermatologists and umbrellas

1) I've never heard about or met a sane dermatologist. They seem to be set on making incisions, cut away all your skin if necessary just to get a tiny mole. And most of all they seem to be completely oblivious of causes. To them there's only symptoms and that's what they fight, they'd rather thrust a recipe into your palm than try to find the cause of your malady. (That's why I love TCM. Get's to the core.)

2) Umbrellas are just plain dangerous. Finn and I independently almost got stabbed at least three times today.

If you're a dermatologist reading this, don't be offended, you might just be the only exception to the rule. If you are: I need a good dermatologist. If you're indeed an umbrella reading this you might actually have a whole bunch of other problems other than the fact that you're reading this. Get a job for instance, one where you're not poking innocent people in the head...

pretending is an ending that perpetuates a lie

you forged my love just like a weapon
and you turned it against me like a knife
(jewel, goodbye alice in wonderland)

I never ever go to H&M, much less to the one in the shopping center, but once - just ONCE I go because I need a pair of sweats and black pants for work and the phone call becomes a real life encounter. I never go shopping there, they don't live in this country anymore so how the fuck did that happen? it didn't move me in a way I always thought it would, but it was so freakishly awkward. one got fat and looked at me in that weird loving-yet-accusatory way she's probably always looked at me and the other one was barely not openly hostile towards me. Maybe I'm imagining things, but dude, we were once friends, there's no need to be so cold! We should have just stopped pretending there was something and left this alone so long ago.

so goodbye alice in wonderland
goodbye yellow brick road
there is a difference between dreaming and pretending
that was not love in your eyes
it was only a reflection of my lonely mind searching
what was missing in my life

ex-fest? WTF?

OK, I've had two serious boyfriends in my life and I haven't been in contact with either of them, but now both of them know I'm kinda gay. Now suddenly last week when finn and I were going to my mum's concert we ran into ex-boyfriend #1 at the tram station. OK, well that was bound to happen some time and also he had always suspected I was into women as well. We didn't have time to chat, but I wrote him an email that he didn't answer. so I guess that's that. But yesterday during my queer movie-marathon at the cinema ex-boyfriend #2 texted me. he had been looking through his adress book and wanted to know if I still had that number (he's one of those people who can't delete old numbers cuz it is fashionable for him to be able to show how many people he knows).

So after 4 hours of watching movies and being completely mushy in my brain I found it incredibly funny that while I was at a queer film festival of all places my male ex of all people (and he is THE ex) texts me randomly more than two years after his last attempt at talking to me went horribly wrong (we didn't have shit to say to each other, I have never finished a drink THAT fast just to get away). So finn said call him and went to get her bike, and in my weird mood I did. In my straightforwardness I asked him why he made contact again after we didn't really have anything to talk about last time. I asked him if he was still with the military and indeed he was. So the ahem... straightforward person I am... I accused him of being to much of a coward to leave the military to study history (which he always wanted to do but never dared to) and he said he had other reasons - namely family. turns out he's planning to marry his gf (a different now one since the last time I saw him, thank GOD!) in August after 1.5 years together and planning on a baby next year. I told him I'm kinda engaged too only the marriage part might be difficult... and I came out to him. which felt kinda weird. he didn't really react though, this guy was always really good at concealing his feelings, but I'm glad I did tell him. That was one of the things still left to do for my own sanity's sake. I guess I'm really over him by now, except you're never really "over" your first big love. Only very few people I know are. I think I just really needed to be able to tell him how happy I am now, that I have a life and a good one at that. I told him to call me and we'll go for a beer and he could meet my babe. Maybe we'll even find something to talk about. But probably the next time he's going to call will be when he's going through his adress book again to see who's still there with their old numbers...

I have a strange taste in weather

For in this kind of grey, cloudy weather, on those rain drizzled days that I love my city the most. you know, when it's so cool that you need a jacket but nothing to protect your head. when you readily let the wind tousle your hair but you do put up your collar and bury your hands deep in your pockets. that's the kind of day it is today. And when I exited my dentist's office I felt a compulsion to walk in this weather, and I usually don't like going for walks. but this time I took a detour on my way home. I just HAD to walk through somewhere greener, away from the cars' exhaust fumes, to walk on and on and on, my ears plugged with music from my ipod which instinctively seemed to know what it had to play. I could have walked forever and ever like that day 4 years ago in the midlands near buxton. and then curled up at home in my favourite hoodie, with a nice cup of tea and the last book of his dark materials. I made myself that cup of tea, but unfortunately I can't get too comfy bc I have a kind of a job interview later for which I still have to iron my clother because I have to dress up - which I hate when I have a comfy clothes day.


"Turn around / break the bond / say goodbye to what is gone"


I think all my confusion started last night when I got a phone call bringing back a voice that I would have never ever expected to hear again. how can she just call me, just like that? after two and a half fucking years of silence? wtf? I made use of that subtle knife ages ago, I cut her away from me. when she thought she had the right to tell me who I was and who I had to be, how I would find my way out of the dark, right then I severed the last bond - for my own sake. not a painless operation but I managed to do it and keep it up, in fact once it was done it all went quite effortlessly. the occasional thought, yes. but no remorse. yet I was strangely happy to hear from her. ok maybe happy is not the word... it disturbed me but it didn't bother me. in any way it was weird talking to her again, both not really knowing what to say. I think she was just as shocked that she had called me as I was...

and now I'm at home feeling less confused, but endulging fully in the melancholy of this rainy day, wishing myself to england or scotland or ireland.

again: my mother is a crazy person

she honestly wanted us to bring back her car now in the middle of the night when the underground is going rarely OR tomorrow morning by 6 o'clock. never mind that we had arranged for her to come get it here on her way home tonight. well she did in the end, but only after a lot of screeching, screaming and shouting. I've taken to hanging up. and i'm beginning to think that maybe I shouldn't be all that worried about moving to another country. she'll be so happy to see me when she does she won't freak all the time. one can only hope, eh.

disagree sans jugement

sometimes people change. and sometimes they change back, or rather evolve further and back towards where you have moved.

maybe you have guessed already, but in case you haven't: I went to a class reunion yesternight. twas nice, I enjoyed seeing some of the people again, other than the usual suspects who I see regularly at the school alumni get-togethers anyway.

I ended up having a surprisingly nice conversation with a once-a-friend. maybe we understand each other better now.