August 18, 2008

Oh, me? I've been stuck.

I wanted to put Breaking Dawn in my Shelfari window but finished the book before I could get around to go online. I read it in about 2 days while still managing to play a whole map at Spellforce. It was OK, Breaking Dawn, I mean. Not stellar, but I felt compelled to read it since I'd read parts one through three. Also, welcome reprieve from the real world.

I'm kinda in a tough place right now. After being sick last week I couldn't go to work today because my IBS flared up again over the weekend thanks to some antibiotics my dentist prescribed me. I'm better today but my tummy is still tender which makes me really crabby because I can't really do anything besides taking painkillers. I hate not being able to treat the cause of pain but only the symptoms. It's bollocks is what it is. Stupid antibiotics-obsessed doctors. And stupid me for not saying 'thank you, but no, thank you'.

As much as it bugs me that I can't go to work and earn lots of money (well, some money at least) I'm really quite content not to be there at the moment. Work's been getting to me lately as much as and probably connected to the feeling of being on the wrong track. It's ridiculous, really. I just have to get through this tough stretch, get my thesis done and pass my exam to leave university behind me and shovel free some space in my head for all those big plans and dreams I have, to start realising them. But the trick is getting through that time. I have no recipe for that. And right now I'm frustrated with the standstill and the melancholy mood the season is beginning to impose on me for once doesn't help much. It's still summer here, but I can notice it turning into something else - not quite fall yet but this beginning of becoming that comes towards the end of summer. And when I feel fall approach I always get melancholy and then I get creative. And not being able to live that right now feels crippling.

It also doesn't help much that I can barely remember these past few months. First the thesis limbo, when I didn't know who would oversee it, then the soccer cup that basically made me work's bitch. And now this feeling has gripped me that after this monthlong standstill - for fuck's sake - shouldn't I be doing something? Something worthwhile? Because all I'm doing is sitting and waiting, and as much as I realise I have to learn this (and I have, to some extent), patience really isn't my style.

It might sound elitist, but I'm gonna be honest here (or what's the blogging point?), I'm struggling with going to the same work every week. Same place, same people, basically the same stories. I'm not simply an elitist or averse to work or unable to commit. OK, that last one might be true about me. I can't really commit to one strand of thing, but I still stand firm that I might not have to do that. What gives other people security, namely a safe workplace (not that my current "employment" is safe. I'm still a freelancer, but one with unvoluntary ties) gives me reason to run. I grew up with parents who work freelance. They always travelled a lot, worked project after project, stayed home for stretches in between that. My mum still does that, but I can see how my retired dad is going nuts about staying put. He might not admit it, but I can hear it when I talk to him. Travelling with them even as a kid I inherited that pull, that nomad need to move on. Maybe there's some cig├íny*  blood in me, who knows? Which reminds me that I miss my grandpa so much, lately. So much...

However, I started working like that too while I was in uni full time. Working as a floor manager for Austrian tv occasionally, a different production every time, sometimes new people, sometimes well-known faces. That rush of blood pumping adrenaline (does that flow in blood, actually) to my heart, anticipating what could go wrong in that specific production, always ready to run wherever needed. I really miss that, the feeling of "going live", also the feeling of family when hundreds of people are pulling one wagon. It's one of the most exhilarating feelings I've gotten to know. Then I started working for a company that offers media solutions (fancy word for PR by video I guess) and that meant project work too, learning something new all the time, like editing film or being a project manager.

So, I guess I know where my desire to work in the film business comes from. And I think it also explains why I feel so stuck now. But knowing doesn't help, since I can't change much right at this moment. After I'm done with my thesis, after I've graduated. Then, yes. But until then I'll have to somehow make peace with the fact that my mind and my strength are somehow tangled up in this mess and not free to do "the creative thing". Yet. For now I'm gonna have to content myself with sitting in my window, writing an endlessly long blog post. Breathing in almost-fall, enjoying the sound the crickets make or the wind unsettling the leaves of the tree next to my window like he wants them to fall already. I really don't want to miss autumn this year, I need to savour it this time around.

1 comment:

Rebecca said...

I so get where you're coming from. A while ago I was trying to figure out why I haven't felt...I don't even know. Felt like myself, I guess, for years. I finally realized that growing up I did theatre (just community stuff), and then I got busy and stopped. I miss that rush - learning a new show, working with people to pull it all together, and getting to start a new one every few months. Somehow I'm going to have to figure out how to make money doing that, or I feel like my life will always just be boring and pointless, as it is now.

Autumn is going to be great. GREAT.