Oh, me? I've been stuck.

I wanted to put Breaking Dawn in my Shelfari window but finished the book before I could get around to go online. I read it in about 2 days while still managing to play a whole map at Spellforce. It was OK, Breaking Dawn, I mean. Not stellar, but I felt compelled to read it since I'd read parts one through three. Also, welcome reprieve from the real world.

I'm kinda in a tough place right now. After being sick last week I couldn't go to work today because my IBS flared up again over the weekend thanks to some antibiotics my dentist prescribed me. I'm better today but my tummy is still tender which makes me really crabby because I can't really do anything besides taking painkillers. I hate not being able to treat the cause of pain but only the symptoms. It's bollocks is what it is. Stupid antibiotics-obsessed doctors. And stupid me for not saying 'thank you, but no, thank you'.

As much as it bugs me that I can't go to work and earn lots of money (well, some money at least) I'm really quite content not to be there at the moment. Work's been getting to me lately as much as and probably connected to the feeling of being on the wrong track. It's ridiculous, really. I just have to get through this tough stretch, get my thesis done and pass my exam to leave university behind me and shovel free some space in my head for all those big plans and dreams I have, to start realising them. But the trick is getting through that time. I have no recipe for that. And right now I'm frustrated with the standstill and the melancholy mood the season is beginning to impose on me for once doesn't help much. It's still summer here, but I can notice it turning into something else - not quite fall yet but this beginning of becoming that comes towards the end of summer. And when I feel fall approach I always get melancholy and then I get creative. And not being able to live that right now feels crippling.

It also doesn't help much that I can barely remember these past few months. First the thesis limbo, when I didn't know who would oversee it, then the soccer cup that basically made me work's bitch. And now this feeling has gripped me that after this monthlong standstill - for fuck's sake - shouldn't I be doing something? Something worthwhile? Because all I'm doing is sitting and waiting, and as much as I realise I have to learn this (and I have, to some extent), patience really isn't my style.

It might sound elitist, but I'm gonna be honest here (or what's the blogging point?), I'm struggling with going to the same work every week. Same place, same people, basically the same stories. I'm not simply an elitist or averse to work or unable to commit. OK, that last one might be true about me. I can't really commit to one strand of thing, but I still stand firm that I might not have to do that. What gives other people security, namely a safe workplace (not that my current "employment" is safe. I'm still a freelancer, but one with unvoluntary ties) gives me reason to run. I grew up with parents who work freelance. They always travelled a lot, worked project after project, stayed home for stretches in between that. My mum still does that, but I can see how my retired dad is going nuts about staying put. He might not admit it, but I can hear it when I talk to him. Travelling with them even as a kid I inherited that pull, that nomad need to move on. Maybe there's some cigány*  blood in me, who knows? Which reminds me that I miss my grandpa so much, lately. So much...

However, I started working like that too while I was in uni full time. Working as a floor manager for Austrian tv occasionally, a different production every time, sometimes new people, sometimes well-known faces. That rush of blood pumping adrenaline (does that flow in blood, actually) to my heart, anticipating what could go wrong in that specific production, always ready to run wherever needed. I really miss that, the feeling of "going live", also the feeling of family when hundreds of people are pulling one wagon. It's one of the most exhilarating feelings I've gotten to know. Then I started working for a company that offers media solutions (fancy word for PR by video I guess) and that meant project work too, learning something new all the time, like editing film or being a project manager.

So, I guess I know where my desire to work in the film business comes from. And I think it also explains why I feel so stuck now. But knowing doesn't help, since I can't change much right at this moment. After I'm done with my thesis, after I've graduated. Then, yes. But until then I'll have to somehow make peace with the fact that my mind and my strength are somehow tangled up in this mess and not free to do "the creative thing". Yet. For now I'm gonna have to content myself with sitting in my window, writing an endlessly long blog post. Breathing in almost-fall, enjoying the sound the crickets make or the wind unsettling the leaves of the tree next to my window like he wants them to fall already. I really don't want to miss autumn this year, I need to savour it this time around.

motherfuckers...

I called my uni today and they informed me that my thesis is not up to par. I can not take my oral exam in three weeks. The reasons they presented to me are ridiculous (I know that they're not rightfully failing me), apparently they are not happy with my citations (I strictly kept to the citation method of the American Psychological Association, apparently the folks here in Vienna are not aware that this is a widely recognised international citation method). I spent the first part of today on the phone to figure out a way to fight this. So far no one is behind me, the university unites firmly in support of my thesis advisor who, frankly, was an ass when I talked to him today. As was the department head of my programme, who should actually be helping me in this case.

I know that in the end I'll probably have to change some parts of my thesis in order for them to accept it. I know that I won't be able to take the exam this summer but only in November. I know that I'll have to pay another semester's tuition. They simply have more power than me in this case. I know that. But I am not going down without a fight. I will do my best to make them the most miserable I can. They shall regret having brought this upon themselves, because I shall see to it that they have so much work with this they're not gonna have time to simply take a dump. This is me when I'm angry, this is me when I fight. As Cpt. Picard would say: "Engage".

P.S.: and for now bring on the alcohol, videogames, and a lot of my work (which I suddenly like much more than yesterday) - basically what I need now is sex, drugs & rock'n'roll mixed with a bit of money-making at the paper and a good night's sleep.

ow - fuck - ow (quoting neil gaiman here)

the thesis is beginning to take a toll on us.
it's ok that I'm a little out there already due to lack of sleep and physical exercise any kind of movement at all. but it's not ok that finn is so exhausted. She's done with most of her exams and should be recuperating now, doing stuff little by little for her last paper but having lots of free time, time for herself (time for us). Instead she has to do all these stupid household chores and look after me and the bunnies and go shopping and all that shit (and she hates shopping so I hate to have to make her go). and she has a backache. I honestly can't let things be like this for two months.

gaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

I just realised it doesn't make any sense whatsoever to read "Media influence analysis II" if you haven't read "Media influence analysis I" (all that in German, these titles are rough translations by yours truly ft. dict.leo). Unfortunately "Media influence analysis I" is currently unavailable in the library. I hate the library. I hate my thesis. I should've just become a journalist. Oh wait, that's why I have to write this shit.... grrr....

Me want book 1, so I can understand book 2.
Well, at least I opened a book today. Not so yesterday :/

note: I rant a lot these days. sorry. but I just feel so.. rant-y...

the announcement a.k.a. mind-numbingly stupid

About two weeks ago something happened, and I thought I'd save it for a success story. Unfortunately the success wasn't exactly successful as of now. Here's what went down:

Right now I should be doing an internship at Austria's lone TV station. They offered it to me back in July. I met up with the editor back then, presented myself to the editor-in-chief which went absolutely fine and was told to start in October. The secretary asks me to call back in September for the exact time at which I had to show up on October 1st. In the middle of September she tells me to come at 9 a.m. I then get a call a week later that there is a (badly enclosed) "technical problem". Apparently it was a problem that I had already worked at another department there earlier in 2007 (note: I sometimes work as a floor manager to earn some money). But they would figure it out and would I please come in the afternoon on October 1st to meet the new editor (the other one is a correspondent now), because he'd like to meet me.

We meet and it turns out they literally lost me. The leaving editor didn't tell anyone about me, the editor-in-chief couldn't remember me because he didn't have his usual assistant the day he met me. So basically no one had any clue that I was going to appear for work in October. Luckily the new guy apparently thinks it's ok to employ me but isn't sure about the exact time frame of my employment. He promises to figure it out and call me within the week. Well, he DID call me, only to tell me that I couldn't do an internship after all. The problem wasn't that I had worked in another department, but that the journalistic internship that I'd done in February is posing some "legal problem" (apparently you can't be employed twice in a year) and no, sorry, they couldn't do anything. The editor said he'd try, but I haven't heard from him since. Fuckers, right? Incompetent little assholes.

Fortunately 10 minutes after this last conversation with the TV editor, an editor from a newspaper calls me. The editor was my teacher in Uni for one semester and we got along really well. He's a geek and a Buffy-fan (if those two aren't congruent anyway) and has offered me a job before, which I unfortunately couldn't take due to previous engagements. Anyhow this time he offers me a job again. I send him all my data, and he talks to the paper's editor-in-chief who says Aye!

By now I've been left hanging for more than a week because apparently the decision is with the people who pay the money. I don't know exactly what it is about (Can they afford to fill the position? Do they want to fill the position?) - what I do know is that I still need three weeks of internship for my degree. I know that I'm really missing out on the money that was supposed to fatten what little income we have. I know I was originally counting on four months of income until the TV people fucked it up and I know that now I'm sitting here with no job, no internship and sometime soon no money. For fuck's sake, I have bills to pay! And it's not like I went after that TV internship in the first place, they frickin' OFFERED it to me. All I can do is hope and beg the universe that the job at the paper will work out after all. Editor-guy is not calling me back though (admittedly and unfortunately he's a bit undependable).

So that's the "big" announcement. Although it was originally supposed to be a positive one.

In which McC gets a shopping shock

While innocently shopping for groceries at my local foodstore, something caught me by surprise.
What I glimpsed? Blogger still doesn't let me upload pictures, but I have them at flickr. Please click the following three links before you read on.

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That kind of marketing just scares me. They're seriously selling apples one at a time, individually but neatly packed in a Schwarzenegger-box.
First of all: Why do I have to pack apples individually? That is so not a green thing to do! And also: why do I have to buy Schwarzenegger apples? Can't I just buy normal apples? You know, ... apples... that are not individually packed and carry Arnie's face.
And thirdly (and most importantly): If you're selling an apple from "Arnold Schwarzenegger's home country" in "Arnold Schwarzenegger's home country" it doesn't actually make sense to market it like that... sorry, nope, it doesn't. I'm amused.

quo usque tandem abutere ... bitch ... patientia nostra*

it's time. again. time for "people make me wanna barf"-day.
at least some people do. at least occasionally. it's time for an inane, rant.

and who's today's culprit for making McC sick? some lifestyle-journalist biatch who thinks she's better than everyone else. OK, maybe she doesn't actually think that. I wouldn't know, but that's how she behaves. and I resent her success. not that I'd want bitch-like success, but I want normal success and these days things are going a bit slow. maybe she can sell herself better (thus: bitch). The problem I have is that I fear her way may be the right way for success in this business. What does it help me that I'm interested in politics, world happenings, media - and I inanely insist that makes me smarter than her - if all you have to do is whore yourself out?

oh my, end of rant. delete rant from memory, please, considering it's one of my rather uglier moments ;)

* How long are you planning to abuse our patience?
from Cicero's oration against Catilina.