It's possible that I might be going completely crazy

I'm a sorry, weepy mess.
I don't know why, but I just came home and had a good cry.
Actually... I do know why, but it's embarassing and idiotic and I feel stupid about it.
The thing is.. I'm really bad at being away from Finn. Like, away away. Far away. It's not that I don't appreciate and need time for myself and respect the same thing for Finn. It's that I'm always horribly worried something might happen to her.

So today was the going-away-revelations-day. First, my trip to Cologne in August became a surefire thing - I'll be away for about four days. Then Finn called to tell me she'll be going on a business trip to London about two weeks from now - and we started to make plans for me to go with her so we could extend the trip and spend Valentine's day's weekend there. But then everything fell through because her sister can't look after the bunnies. So I will be staying here while she's on a plane - which I hate. And next week(end) I have to go to Budapest to see my grandma. I love her and want to visit her, but it's always such a drag to get there with all the striking in Hungary. Away again.

Now that I've written this down it doesn't seem like such a big deal. I know it's such co-dependent bullshit but I can't help myself. I guess it's just that everything came all at once today. Just too much. So... I remain reduced to the abovementioned sorry, weepy mess.

New/Different angles on Prop8

John Scalzi has is making a good point by drawing attention to the effect that Prop8 would have on existing marriages so I'm now drawing your attention to his post. Also, in the second comment there's a link to what it sounds like if you exchange the wording "same-sex" for "interracial" in a Pro-Prop8-ad (that word just broke my virtual tongue). Not that I really think that any of my readers would even think about voting yes on Prop8, but why not get the word out there:


Vote NO on Prop8!

Where I'm from

There is one meme I have been wanting to do, but I never got around to it. It's a meme I saw on a couple of blogs months ago, while I was first writing my thesis, and I immediately loved the idea. I knew though that I would need time and a certain state of mind to do it. I finally got around to that.

Where I'm from (based on a poem by George Ella Lyons). The instructions can be found here, I'm not tagging anyone, but please let me know if and when you've done this on your blog, because I'm interested in reading it.

I am from stacks of books, from LEGO and ski slopes.

I am from the little lake that was my ocean (fiery at sunset, warm and clear after a summer storm, wind in my hair).

I am from the dirt road leading to my “island”, the low vegetation beating on my arms, snapping in my face as I playfully raced through it.

I am from Canasta and the mono-brow, from playfully wrestling with my grandfather in the mornings (he always let me win), from Sándor, who I lost, and Maria, who I barely knew.

I am from the short-tempered and the bullheaded.

From reading is adventure in the mind and clean up your room.

I am from processing history. From not knowing about one belief while another one was being imposed on me - and now churches creep me out.

I'm from the Danube, twice along its route, I’m from paprikás krumpli and Tafelspitz.

From the grandfather who thrived as a prisoner in Russia, enjoying the arts, the grandmother who got scarred for life in a war that put a tattoo on her arm, and the grampa who didn’t go to war because his hand got disfigures – most probably not completely by accident if we're being honest.

I am from a grandfather and a mother (and me) - who all used to see life through a lens quite frequently, but organisation got lost over the generations and the pictures are mostly scattered in boxes and chaos by now. Except for a couple, that hang on my wall: My grandparents, two of them old, two of them young. Inadvertently the ones who got older are younger in the pictures. One grandmother blinking against the sun that lightens up her hair even in black and white, the other in colour but with little me in her arms (my memory of her comes from that picture mostly). One grandfather, old, I knew all the liver spots on his face, the other one in his best clothes, once on the other side of a camera – in the 50’s or 60’s? My parents, and me with almost-white blond hair, missing teeth and always those glasses. A rare picture, of me on my tricycle, my dad pushing me, smiling (a rare treat), taken three days after Tschernobyl.

I remembered!

this morning. I did, I swear. But by now I have forgotten again. However I have found a very interesting article in the NY Times that I'd like to share.
That's it for now, but I promise the moment I remember again I'm gonna blog it.

mini-blais

A couple of weeks ago a Top Chef episode made me snicker in a really nice, warm and fuzzy way: It was the episode where they were cooking with children, and (one of my favourite top chef contestants) Antonia Lofaso was all tears because she missed her daughter. That prompted amazing chef Richard Blais (who's another of my favourites in this competition and the one destined to win, as far as I'm concerned) to utter in a confessional segmet that all that made him want to go home and make "a little blais". He must have started working on this project pretty much right away, because these day the following pictures are making the (internet) rounds. Maybe it's because I'm always touched if some men cry or maybe it's just because I simply liked Blais on Top Chef from the very beginning, but I find these pictures incredibly cute. (I happen to also find Blais not exactly unattractive.)





spoiler alert!



how fucked up is it that Antonia got booted? I just can't stand lezzie Lisa (one of three out lesbian top chef contestants this year), and I believe she's just not as good a Richard, Stephanie and Antiona. Reality teevee doesn't like me this week, first Rizzo (on that show that shall not be named because I shall die of shame for admitting I am watching it), then Kristina was in serious booting-off peril on Hell's Kitchen and not Antiona had to go home.

hobby swap

I recently have begun thinking about how partners influence each other. You know, those little things, interests, hobbies, books, series, movies, etc. that are so important to you that you want to share them with your partner, make them understand what is so great about them.

In those (almost) 3 years that finn and I have been together she has introduced me to Buffy, M*A*S*H and Neil Gaiman. I recently showed her Star Wars (and am planning to make her appreciate Star Trek TNG since she can't even tell the difference between Geordi and Data), got her into the Harry Potter series and took her role-playing (although I have only dabbled in it myself).

She (successfully) forced Tori Amos at me, but I'll probably never get her to listen to country music. Especially with music she's usually the one who finds new stuff and gets me to listen to it and sometimes like it quite a bit. On the other hand I haul in TV-series and movies to get her addicted to (har har har!). Both of course with the occasional exception.

What is it like in your relationship? What have you taken away from past relationships?

me want couples meme too

1. How long have you been together? almost 3 years.
2. Who pursued who? I pursued her. Intensely. For a whole week. But only after having pined for her for the better part of a year ;)
3. Do you wear any type of wedding/commitment ring? We both wear a simple, two part silver ring.
4. What was the hardest thing about learning to live together? to take time for yourself even if being together all the time is really great
5. Who takes longer to get ready in the morning? me. I admit it. in that case I am such a girl...
6. Do you usually eat breakfast together? it really depends on if I'll get up with finn or at the time I have to get up.
7. Do you ever share clothes? clothes, shoes, you name it.
8. Who does most of the cooking? Me
9. Who usually takes out the trash? Her
10. If you have pets, who usually does litter box or poop patrol? Her
11. Which one of you is more likely to answer the phone when it rings? We only recently got a landline, so I don't know. Each answers her own mobile phone.
12. Who’s in charge of the remote if you’re watching TV together? since we don't have a tv and watch everything on the computer we usually plan ahead what we're gonna watch.
13. Who usually drives when you go out together? depends on which car we use. her if it's her mum's car, me if it's my mum's. and if it's early in the morning she drives. you wouldn't want me to drive early in the morning. actually you wouldn't want me to do anything early in the morning. trust me.
14. Which one of you takes care of spiders and bugs that get into the house? definitely her. I do the running away.
15. Facing the bed, who sleeps on which side? I used to sleep on the left hand side, but we since swapped and I can't really remember why.
16. Who usually checks the (postal) mailbox? whoever comes home first.
17. If something breaks or goes wrong in the house, which one of you is more likely to either fix it or call someone to fix it? Her.
18. Who is generally the neater of you? Finn's a little OCD with all the cleaning and neatness and all. I do usually notice dirt in the flat - only about 2 weeks after she's already fretting about dusting and vacuuming. It's not that I'm dirty per se. I just don't notice stuff.
19. Who handles the checkbook/pays the bills? each her own or whoever's got money at the moment or whoever's wallet is at hand.
20. What was your last fight/disagreement about? Can't remember. Neither can Finn.
21. When you slow dance together, who leads? slowdance? dance?
22. What do you love the most about your other half? that she get's me. truly. and better than anyone else, but that there's still room for not-quite-getting me in certain regards. and that she can crack me up and sometimes makes it her objective to do so.

ow - fuck - ow (quoting neil gaiman here)

the thesis is beginning to take a toll on us.
it's ok that I'm a little out there already due to lack of sleep and physical exercise any kind of movement at all. but it's not ok that finn is so exhausted. She's done with most of her exams and should be recuperating now, doing stuff little by little for her last paper but having lots of free time, time for herself (time for us). Instead she has to do all these stupid household chores and look after me and the bunnies and go shopping and all that shit (and she hates shopping so I hate to have to make her go). and she has a backache. I honestly can't let things be like this for two months.

this is goodbye

my beautiful dog has left the building, so to speak.
she died around noon today, peacefully thanks to a nice veterinarian who made her go to sleep.





I might be mad at my parents for not calling me until tonight, for not enabling me with a choice, to come and see her off and say goodbye, but deep down I know that all that matters is, that she went peacefully, surrounded by her family, or at least most of it - to be honest, since I moved out she didn't exactly consider me core family anymore, which is alright by me, because life changes and so does a dog's pack.

senta was a part of our lives for 13 years. she was the most fun dog I have ever met, goofy and opinionated. Even outspoken I'd say, at least she could get very very loud :) she always got whatever she wanted from my dad.

Now I'm sitting here, and I don't know where to put the sadness. it just keeps circling around in me like a perpetual mobile machine. So I'm doing what I've always done: I write. and I let her go. and all the while I cannot say "rest in peace", because she's not she wasn't the resting type. If I wasn't refusing the common concept of heaven I'd bet she's running around in dog heaven with her childhood friend Charlie. Come to think of it, I bet she is.

Senta, I hope you're in a nice and safe and warm and loving place, a haven of some kind, where you can run around crazily and eat and sleep and play with other dogs. And where you don't feel alone or lonely because you can still feel us. I loved you so much when you were here and I always will love you.

Goodbye,
Andie

move on

I need to have another post at the top... I can't just let that post about my pet dying sit there and stare at me every time I open my blog. So here goes:

I'm better today. I haven't cried since last night. I'm accepting. In fact I have suspected for the past weeks that this might happen quite soon. not that that helped me be prepared, it still came as a shock. but she's still here, she's not dead yet, and I'm not going to treat her like she is already. there will be enough time to do that when she's gone. I'm just feeling sad. it's like a constant tiny sting at the pit of my stomach. so I am in fact doing stuff to distract myself. I've been reading for my thesis today. I need to have a concept by end of september but I'm nowhere yet.

and here's two pictures of our girl. she looks so much thinner and worse now, but this is how I will always see her:

goodbye

my dog didn't have the operation today. Instead my parents were told that she has metastases all over her lungs. she could have from about a day to a week until the breathing problems start, once they do they're going to have to bring her in to put her down.

I feel like such a bad person for wishing it was already over, to be able to move beyond grief....

worried

my mum just called me and told me that our dog is sick. she hasn't eaten in days, simply refuses to although she normally virtually inhales food, her fur doesn't shine, she's listless. I know 13 years is quite an age for dogs, but still... I don't wanna lose the little bugger. really am worried...

Better than ice cream...

Finn, I love you! So much.

/end of cheese